[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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Wednesday
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.