Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Cop: Get out.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?