5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs