
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio