5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

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[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else


*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume


I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.


To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”


My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio