@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

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@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

@jollyrobber

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

@MommaUnfiltered

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@Ameiam

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio