@mattZillaaaa [job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
@mom_tho 5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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@mattZillaaaa 
@jollyrobber *At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
@MommaUnfiltered I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
@DothTheDoth To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
@Ameiam My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
@TylerLinkin I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
@CArmanthegirl He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
@PleaseBeGneiss ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
@TheDjinnTrials I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
@PJTLynch People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio