@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

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@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@theAtomicDon

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

@BlindChow

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

@ErinChack

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

@Jared_VanL

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@CrackedIllusion

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.