5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe