5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I have never related to a cat more
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”