5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
You Might Also Like
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.