5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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Stop sending me this shit.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.