*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.