5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade