5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.