5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.