5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
You Might Also Like
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.