5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Always a metermaid never a meter
rise and shine we got egg
sensitive skin