5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

You Might Also Like


Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined



ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family


What do we want?


When do we want it?



(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet


“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.


“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit