5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.