5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
never forget
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.