5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
KFC hitting the cannibal market
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My blood type is coffee.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
