5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]