5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.