5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
(2022)
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??