5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.


[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]


My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone


That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod


Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.


I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.


I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”


if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?


This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.


My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.