5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator