5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.