5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
ibopfufen
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT