5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
As the Lord intended
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.