5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …