5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Just why bro?!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023