5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Sheep
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.