5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Mornin
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t