5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Great acting.. 😂
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.