5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
You Might Also Like
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Cheer up.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh