5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”
Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
host: ..without a HUG!
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
her: i’m a cat person
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Son: you’re also very pale
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks