5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
if my sleeping schedule was a person
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.