@EricaWhoToYou [6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
@Elizasoul80 5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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@EricaWhoToYou 
@MarfSalvador [bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
@BobTheSuit Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
@timdonakowski My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
@Marlebean When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
@TheIronSherk If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
@magicraisin She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
@XplodingUnicorn [driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
@DirtMcTurd If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
@mlkef Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.