5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

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[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*


[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing


Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.


When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same


If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.


She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”



Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.


If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.


Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.