5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
This could be us but you eatin’
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Print is alive and well!!!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there