5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You Might Also Like
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human