5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
They got a point!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“Sheer Arrogance”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My dog ate my work from home.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.