[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.