[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”


Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.


Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]


Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.


[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier


I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.


Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:


Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.


Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!


I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.


If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”