5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’m not wrong
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair