@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

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@TheAlexNevil

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@Stellacopter

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks