@TheAlexNevil Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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@TheAlexNevil 
@bornmiserable Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
@dreamthievin Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
@Stellacopter When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
@ArfMeasures GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
@Fred_Delicious Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
@3sunzzz My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
@SteveSuckington Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
@Cheetoe4 My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@dumbbeezie Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks