5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.


When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*


Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him


My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.


Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks