5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
decorating my apartment
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch