5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.