5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.