5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
