5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
motivation
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things