5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”