5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.