5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
liiiiiiiiike
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school