5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I have so many questions.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.