50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown