50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
#polloftheday
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
the #horror is real!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”