50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
This has made my week.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired