50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.