50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Nothing to do, you say?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups